Life: Out of Focus

There are times I wonder if I have made the right choices in life. When I made the choices, there were circumstances and thoughts that guided me. I understand that there is no point in retrospect now, but I need to know if those choices have affected my future ones.

I feel disconnected lately – from the world. As if everything is in a dream – a haze. I question the reality of every object, every emotion, every incident. It feels as if I am not a part of anything. I am standing far away watching the world go about doing its daily activities. I do mine too, but I don’t see the connection, I don’t feel the bond.

Sometimes it makes me dizzy – sick in my gut too. I want to feel connected. I want to feel those extreme emotions of pain and love – those extreme emotions of shock, disbelief, happiness, depression and joy. There are times I fake them, there are times I just blend into the crowd of expressionless hearts and faces. I don’t want to be noticed. I don’t want to be known. This isn’t me. This isn’t how I ever was.

There are times when I feel the love coming my way. I absorb it with the hope that I will radiate it back to the people who so deserve it from me. But like a dry pot of clay, I soak it all in leaving no trace of it to overflow. I don’t like it. Where is the me who knew what she wanted and fought the world for it. Am I out of wars? Is it important to be in a fight for it to be important and wanted?

I wonder if it’s my brain at the end of day – may be it needs a reboot.